I'm a person of words, I'd much rather spend an hour sitting there trying to figure out how to put my feelings into words than spewing it out in 5 minutes in person. In person I forget details, I try to make it seem smaller than it is, if it's something I don't want to talk about-I'll be done talking about it in a matter of seconds. So this is it, this is me putting everything I've been feeling out in the open because I don't think I'd be able to talk about it out loud. This isn't an attention seeking post or an 'I want your pity post' but I'm heading to Florida with more than just physical luggage this time around.
I know it probably sounds like a cliche, but I have not been the same since I left Disney. Disney was my last bit of some normalcy. My family has been through a lot of crap since 2009 and finally last year, we sold our home of 17 1/2 years. While I was in Florida I would call my mom and she would answer the phone in the car because they were driving around as they showed the house to people. I would tune it out, not listen to it, and hang up the phone and catch a bus to a park. As soon as I swiped my ID, whether it was to get into a park or to clock in to work, it's as if it swiped away everything from my mind as well.
Eventually, I had to leave. I couldn't extend my program because I had to come home. I had to pack, had to help move, had to leave home to go home to leave home. I didn't have a park to run to. When I was upset I would just go to my room and be reminded 'oh yeah, I have to pack up 17 years of my life.' Moving out of my house was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The night we moved into it was my only night there because the next morning I went back up to school in Providence, to another house I didn't particularly like. I told myself, well, at least I have Disney World and my grandma's bungalow in Breezy Point to call home.
Junior year of school was a nightmare, to be honest, I don't remember most of it. Fall trimester was bearable but I started having my little breakdowns and panic attacks. Living in the house wasn't going the way I had hoped, my weight loss had hit a plateau (for those who don't know that bit of my story, in 2009 I joined Weight Watchers and before I left Disney I had hit the -60 lb. milestone. I continued to lose weight in Disney despite going off WW and came home a size 12 which actually made me cry) and school was tough. I fought to stay awake during my 7:10 history class and trying to learn Macroeconomics. I still made my Dean's list and gave myself a pep talk that next trimester would be better.
It was only a downward spiral from there. This was my lowest of lows, I don't remember it and quite frankly, don't care to. I slept away my problems. I would stay up til 4 in the morning watching Doctor Who since that made me happy, then get up at 6 to go to class. I"d struggle with accounting and Spanish and would come back home to go back to sleep. Sometimes I would wake up to eat dinner, sometimes I wouldn't. Sometimes I would turn the light on when it got dark, often times I didn't. I used to be in clubs like the baking and pastry arts club and the involvement board and I don't think I made a single meeting that tri. To add on, my dad was in the hospital, again. Living in the house that I was made it worse, I didn't enjoy it. If it wasn't for my two friends in it I would have gone mad. It was constantly cold and snowing so I would just go from school to the house when all I wanted to do was go somewhere else. I would try and study and still fail. I would constantly find myself sitting in the corner of my bed hyperventilating and sobbing to the point where I couldn't breathe. I ended up getting my first C+ ever in my life, and it took me off the Dean's List for the first time at JWU. I would claw at my skin and cry and beat myself up about it. In addition, I still hadn't lost anymore weight but in fact gained some of the weight I lost in Disney back, just adding salt to the wound.
Spring got better, I started to get back into clubs and I just kept looking at it as the last tri of the year and I would be home soon. I got back into Disney so I knew I would be going back, I could finally watch WDW videos knowing I would be seeing those sights and sounds in a few months. The weather was nice so I would go out and I would actually have a good time. But at night or when I was alone, I would still break down. Remember how I said after moving I told myself I still had WDW and Breezy Point to call home? That changed. Hurricane Sandy came through last fall and ruined Breezy Point and damaged my grandma's bungalow. They tore it down in about March or April and I remember seeing the picture while my friends and I were out and about downcity and I'm not one to cry in public but I just let it out. I remember coming back the house, running upstairs to my room and sobbing. I felt like I had nothing, Florida is miles and miles away, when I go home to Jersey we drive past the turn to my old house, and then I just had 4 walls in Providence. Losing that bungalow killed me, I would rather have that back than my home in Jersey. Despite being happier inside and outside of the classroom I would still find myself crying to sleep, I would look in the mirror completely unhappy with how I looked but I mentally couldn't push myself to change it. I lost my drive, motivation, and control. I wore sweatshirts because that's the only thing I felt comfortable in because I felt like it hid me and the weight that I had gained.
So now here I am, summer. I was going to do all these things before I left but didn't, because I didn't want people to see me or have pictures taken and put on facebook or something. I still find myself crying and wanting to change but I just can't. For a few weeks I would walk 3-6 miles everyday and I felt great, then it would rain or I would stay late after work and get too tired. and I feel like I saw no change. I came back from Disney a size 12 and now I'm back to a 16. I can see the change, I can see it in my face and how I feel and in my clothes and it kills me. I absolutely hate it. I need something to push me, I just haven't found it yet.
I haven't seen anyone about it, nor do I really want to. So I guess I don't really know what to call what I'm feeling. But this is more than just being unhappy. This is more than just getting down in the dumps every once in a while. But maybe my medicine will be pixie dust, I hope it is. I left a part of me there and maybe being reconnected will help me get back on track. Of course I am still happy about things, I have my family and my dad is back on track, I got a job that I love after Disney and I love baking there (just had my last day for the summer on Friday) and I know who my true friends are and love them to pieces. Being a Campus Rep made me happy because I got to talk about Disney and did it with friends. Just because you're depressed doesn't mean you can't smile or go out and have a great time with friends and family. I mean, if you don't have that then you 're not even really living are you? My problem is when I'm alone, when I have a minute to reflect too hard for too long, or those minutes before you fall asleep where you try to fall asleep before the tears fall.
Yeah, I might still be sad from time to time in Disney (did I really just say that?) but it's not BECAUSE of Disney, it's just whatever I have going up in my brain. But my smiles on Main Street and my eagerness to go to work will be genuine, I guarantee it. But I really do think this will be my push. When I leave in a week I won't see my dad and brother til August and my mom til September, when I see them I want to be lighter than when I left, I miss getting up and doing things and Disney will let me do that, I'm not just going back to the land of princesses and pixie dust but I'm going back and getting reconnected with who I really am.
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